Well.. I'm sitting here, or rather, hovering up above my seat because I've just been out of hospital for little over a week after having an abscess of mine removed from the base/around that area of my spine. This results in the inability for me to sit down on anything that doesn't have at least two pillows or isn't a matress, and thats me laying on my side. It isn't very much fun at all.

Either way, anything artistic of mine has suffered definately from the inability to think straight due to pain killers or the inability to sit down and actually -do- anything when I do think of something, for those that didn't know I was in hospital, I'm very sorry, but I didn't really want to worry you.

To be honest, I'm going to apologise to anyone I've ever really done harm to if they ever come across this, because I'm in a remorseful sort of mood. I know I can be an asshole, hell, I am an asshole. Its in my job definition, but that doesn't mean an asshole can't be remorseful, does it?

I'm apologetic to my closest friends, my comrades, and one's that I have loved and lost, and never ever heard of from ever again, people like, well. Dan. He was my closest, and ultimately, my best friend for a very long time, and then I did something. I did something and I hate myself for it, I hate myself more than I've ever hated anything in my entire life, I've wanted to kill myself for it but I know I'm too much of a coward to go through -with- the suicide, so all I can do is feel horrible for what I've done to him. I think some people call this self-pity? I'd prefer to call it remorse, because I've hurt him and I've lost him forever, he'll never talk to me again most likely for it, for he just.. Stopped talking to me at all after it.

I'm an idiot, I'll admit it right here right now, I'm a goddamn idiot and I loathe myself for being one, I've been tricked, bullied, twisted and even manipulated into doing whatever anyone else wants me to do and all I can do is say 'I'm sorry.' Well, guess what James? Nobody cares that your sorry because you can't make up for all the previous mistakes you've made in your life, you've f*@!ed up and you'll always BE a F&*@ up. Reason I'm not swearing? Just incase someone comes along and goes 'Omfg teh curzes' and reports me. Well, tbh, screw them but I'm not in the mood for any hassle like that so I'll make it easy on us both.

I'm so sorry for anything I've done wrong, I think I need to lay down again, my heads starting to swim.

I'm sorry, Kaede, I drove Dan off. I honestly can't even reason why you'd bother to hang around me still, but I just hope you know I thank you for it. I thank everyone for anything they've done nice to me, I thank all my friends, every, single, one, simply because they've been the greatest people to me in my entire life, I don't know what I'd do without many of you, you've pulled me through rough times and made me feel so happy in the good times and all I can say is... Thank you. You all rule.

Time to lay down. Sorry.

~ James.